1:52pm - Natty <3: Lott you on the way yet ?
Lottie stares at the text for a second from the driver's seat of her car. She sucks her lower lip into her mouth, worrily chewing on it while typing out a reply.
1:56pm - : Yep just gotta make a quick stop first :) . Shouldn’t take me but 30 minutes or so but i’ll be there soon. I love you darling ♥️
Nat reads it after a few seconds before reacting with a heart. Lottie places her phone down in the cup holder of the center console before reversing out of the parking lot of her apartment complex.
She finally moved out of that unnecessarily large mansion as soon as she turned 18 and moved to New York City. That’s where she met Natalie, her current girlfriend and the presumed love of her life. With her dark brown - almost black hair and her rough physique. Lottie loves all of it really, so much that it feels wrong. But not for the reason you’d imagine.
It is wrong. It’s wrong because it's not her .Lottie loves Natalie, that much is unmistakable. But Natalie isn’t her first love. Not even close. Laura lee was, and now she’s gone. The lump in lottie’s throat rises as she drives, no. do not think about that right now.
She turns up the currently quiet melody of Eyes Without A Face by Billy Idol. Making it significantly louder in hopes of drowning out her thoughts. Though that never really works does it? It's truly a sickening thing. She’s forty-four years old now, why can’t she let go of it?
She already feels bad enough that she's in her early forties with a girlfriend. Not a fiance, not a wife, no kids, just a girlfriend. Just natalie. Natalie’s all she has left apart from the occasional visit from van or her childhood best friend mari.
She pulls into the parking lot of another apartment complex, a different one. A special one. How did she end up here? She has no clue. Why did you bring me here? Why today? She thinks to herself with a sigh. Lottie also happened to meet someone else in New York City.
***
Laura Michelle Lee.
628
Lottie stares at the white paint chipped door. She knows it's unlocked. Even if it wasn’t, she never got rid of the key. But she knows it is. After her death, the apartment manager never really cared to reseal her apartment. Lottie knows a lot of Laura Lee's things are still in there. Maybe that’s why she’s so scared to go in. The reminders.
She pushes the thought to the back of her head, twists the door handle, and walks in anyway.
The first thing she notices is the living room. There’s not much in it however. The yellow and white patched sofa is still there, along with an antique lamp Laura Lee was given by her pastor for her 23rd birthday. And two small portable lamps in the middle of the floor that she remembers not so vaguely.
-
“Lottie? Have you found them yet?” Laura lee yells out to her from the laundry room, of which she is currently scrummaging through cabinets from. “Not quite yet my love, I’ll keep looking though” Lottie yells back from the living room, from which she is flipping over sofa cushions, searching through drawers, and looking under tables. “Ah! Found them! There’s only two though” Laura lee emerges from the laundry room with two mini battery lamps in hand.
“Well that’s all we need isn’t it?” Lottie asks with a teasing smirk as Laura Lee powers them both on. “Better?” she asks as light fills the room. “Much” lottie replies to her, punctuating it with a peck to her lips. Laura Lee hums before heading to the kitchen to make them both ham sandwiches before the meat spoils, Lottie follows with one lamp.
“How’s the weather looking?” Laura lee asks as she lathers two pieces of bread with mayonnaise. “Not great darling, we’re probably gonna be without power until early tomorrow morning” Laura Lee groans at the newfound information. She puts the sandwiches on two plates, gives one to lottie, and they head back to the living room. They decide to lay on the floor and eat instead of the sofa with both lamps on either side of them.
“I mean it could be worse” lottie shrugs through bites of ham. “Oh yeah? How?” Laura Lee questions, taking a bite of her own. “Well, we could've been stuck here with no ham…or no bread” Laura Lee rolls her eyes with a chuckle. “Instead we’re stuck here with no power, no electricity, and no heating. And on top of that it's like 46 degrees outside” Laura Lee complains.
“Awhh my poor baby. It’s okay, no need to complain. I’ll keep you warm "Lottie winks and bumps Laura Lee's shoulder with her own. They both laugh and just talk about random different subjects for the next few hours until they get tired. Lottie gets blankets and pillows and they make their own little makeshift bed on the living room floor, cuddling together until they finally fall asleep. The power was back on when they woke up the next morning.
***
Of course she hadn’t expected to start taking every dish out of Laura Lee’s cabinets and start flinging them at the walls, but it was happening anyways so…whoops. The stack of two she chucks at the ground makes a loud cluttering sound as they break to pieces. Lottie’s heart breaks just a little bit more with it. Somehow the sobs rising from the back of her throat feel louder in sound than the neglected dishes themself.
Then again, she did choose to come here right? She's basically ripping out her own heart just to try to fit it back in there before tearing it from her chest again. Might as well make it count. She slowly drops to the ground, slouching against the stained wooden cabinet next to the refrigerator. Which also hasn’t been cleaned out and smells awful.
She finally gets the chance to look around as she sits, just sobbing all over the white tiles. The details of the apartment itself were memorized already. They’re familiar. Her eyes catch on a small shriveled up pink lily. Then it all comes flooding back, as if she’s reliving the moment itself.
-
Her left hand rubs her temple as her other still limply grasps the bouquet of lilies she’d bought Laura Lee as an ‘im sorry’ gift due to a previous disagreement involving a particular subject. Lottie proposed to her exactly 47 hours ago. Laura Lee had responded with ‘I'm sorry, I can't’ exactly 47 hours ago.
“Laura Lee i truly dont f*cking understand the problem here.” Lottie grits through her teeth, clutching the bouquet tighter. “The problem is that I can't marry you Lottie. We’ve already discussed this” Laura Lee lets out a sigh as if this is the most irrelevant conversation she could be having right now.
Lottie lets out a loud sarcastic laugh at that. “Discussed? We haven’t discussed sh*t, Laura lee. You haven’t even given me a reason yet, you just keep saying ‘i can’t’ and- for the love of god will you please just f*cking LOOK at me?! I am literally standing right here and you haven’t even glanced in my direction since I walked through that door.”
Laura Lee finally turns away from the kitchen cabinet she was organizing for literally no reason to finally look at lottie. Her eyes. That’s what lottie notices first. This is actually hurting Laura lee. Lottie thought she was all alone in this feeling, but she wasn't. Laura Lee wants this just as much as her. Lottie sighs and holds up the flowers.
“Look at how pretty they are,” she smiles softly, her tone much sweeter. Laura Lee's eyes drop to the flowers with a small smile. “I got them for you, love.” Lottie tells her, stepping much closer to her. Laura Lee glances at her lips, Lottie takes that as a sign to close the space between them but Laura lee sighs slowly and turns her head slightly to prevent her from doing so.
“Laura Lee.” Lottie says in such a vulnerable tone, it hurts her own ears to hear it. Laura lee doesn’t turn. “Hey,” Lottie grasps her chin in her hand lightly, turning Laura lee’s head to her own so they could make eye contact. “Talk to me, please.” she finishes.
The brimming tears in Laura Lee's eyes pool quickly. “I-.” she tries to muster out, her own voice cutting her off. Her eyes drift to the floor, unable to look into Lotties eyes as she says this. “I have stage 4 Pancreatic cancer, lottie. The results came back last week.” she lets out. After many minutes of unbearable silence she looks back up at her. Lottie has the most pathetic look on her face.
“The doctor says the chances i’ll survive is lower than 1%, lott. And- and it's really bad because we caught it really late.” she finishes. As if Lottie's expression couldn't get worse, it does. The bouquet drops from Lottie's hands and onto the kitchen floor. She still doesn’t speak, so Laura Lee continues.
“I decided not to even attempt treatment and-...the doctor said because of that, it's very likely that I won't make it to next month.” lotties eyebrows furrow and her mouth gapes open, she looks like she's in physical pain. Laura lee takes her hand and leads her to the already pulled out chair beside the dining room table. Lottie sits down, the same expression still sitting on her face.
“What…?”
-
That day feels almost unreal in her mind. If there weren’t evidence in the form of a flower sitting a few feet away from her body right now, she would think it was never real to begin with. That laura lee is just out helping set up for Sunday school right now. Or she’s out at the market getting ingredients for their weekly Friday date night. But it’s not friday. And she’s not here.
Sometimes it's still hard to believe that the one heart that would only beat for her, now beats for no one. Not even herself.
***
Lottie sat there crying softly for the next 15 minutes until her phone buzzed.
2:37pm - Natty <3 : everything ok?
And with that she finally gets up with a sniffle, looking around at the damage she caused the already damaged apartment.
And she gets the f*ck out of there before she starts crying all over again.
